"Those who touched my soul could not awaken my body, and those who caressed my body could not reach my soul."

"Those who touched my soul could not awaken my body, and those who caressed my body could not reach my soul."

I came across this quote while revising my Facebook profile. It was tucked away in the "Favourite Quotes" section, and I’d forgotten about it. It must have been sitting there for over ten years. It struck me, though, because I remember how deeply I identified with it back then—and for many years after.

The quote is from Paulo Coelho’s "Eleven Minutes." I loved Coelho’s books from the moment I read "The Alchemist" as a kid. His writing has always resonated with me. This quote, in particular, was described as “an odyssey of self-discovery while pursuing a path of darkness.” Reading that again took me straight back to my own path of darkness—when I was in a life where survival required me to sell my body for money and completely disconnect from it.

During those years, I was so dissociated from my body that I couldn’t even imagine how emotional connection and physical desire could coexist. After that, there were years of void—years of feeling absolutely nothing during sex. Then, one day, I found a woman. In truth, I think my brain just couldn’t cope with men, so I fell in love with her.

We were together for seven years. I thought she was my rock, my anchor. I convinced myself that if she ever left, I’d be nothing again. But as time passed and I started therapy, I began to realise something I couldn’t ignore—my soul still felt empty. That quote still rang true for me: "Those who touched my soul could not awaken my body, and those who caressed my body could not reach my soul."

Eventually, I took some time apart from my girlfriend. And that’s when I met a man. For two weeks, I saw him every day. We both thought we were in happy relationships.

For those two weeks, we’d spend hours together, sitting in his car, talking, hugging, kissing. It wasn’t physical in the way you’d think, but the emotional connection—it was magic. I had never felt anything like it before. I never knew that connection like that could exist without sex.

And then, the day came when I left. I went back to my "real life." We didn’t know what would happen. We didn’t make any promises.

To be continued.